El Roy Red, White on White Crime

i am made to believe i’m fearful
i notice no one looks another person in the eyes anymore
we save our souls for selfies
so much more clear in our intention: love me
the eyes say into their cellular mirror
but instead (we) settle for likes

do you remember when it happened first?
the moment someone recoiled at the notion that you could be human

i was living in north america, my skin
pale yellow like Billy’s pee after too much water
burned into the snow
‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‎‎r e d
how succinct an insult, to be made both a thing and an action
i am astonished by this, he is a magician
i should have seen his tricks—a flash of the hand and
blood the colour of my name, of passion, of release
the colour that should’ve taken over the rainbow flag
but didn’t, b/c what once meant peace now is a sign
of gay-friendly economics or marriage or
something i can’t relate to…. (white) sexual freedom
i’ve washed the taste of more blood out of my mouth than cum

and last wk i said i was up for adventure
wound up at a beach themed party in winter
a soft premise for hard dicks

and these white bodies—overshadowing their personalities—
broadcast their lifestyle—masc4masc, their insecurities—protestant or catholic,
their desires—to first be seen then to deny any advancing desire
this was a case study of withholding / of white on white crime

i was a ghost in the room/ witness to a sadness i never knew existed