Three Poems by Angie Sijun Lou

my grandma feeds the cats

my grandma  feeds  the cats in the park even though
they don’t know who she is  /  she’s blind so it’s not
like she knows who they are / either / you think she
just goes up to them  &  is like  /  agesexlocation  /  i
want to be the swampghost passing through her /or
canned fish  /  & greasy palms  /  in the supermarket
everything i touch  /  is  for  the  first  time /  i  buy a
dragonfruit & grope it in the dark  / when i swallow
it clenches  &  unclenches  /  like a beating heart  / in
other words dying  /  lasts  forever  but  feels  like no
time at all / in other words  my  grandma / speaks to
voices  in  the  television  until her eyes sting  /  from
the  light   /   shoutout to my grandma  squinting  at
things / like a white cat running  through  the trees /
my suicide  pact  &  belly of thorns  /  the taxi driver
lugging  /  her  sack of flesh  /  moon  cavity  sagging
down her neck  /  shoutout to the ennui that comes
after i spit / out the blackened seeds / from my latex
mouth shoutout to /my cousin who thinks i should
stop  /  eating flower petals &  talking so loud  /  my
mother says / ‘letting 奶奶 raise you is regret i take /
to the grave’ / inside her grave there is / a disinfected
suburbia  /  the  monotony of the  sun  /  a porcelain
toilet  so  i  no  longer  piss   /  squatting  in  fields  of
orchids / & dust mote bones



my 奶奶 covers the mirrors in her room cause she doesn’t like being watched while she sleeps

Yesterday I drove my 奶奶 in circles
through the village she
was born in to look
for her father’s tomb. We
couldn’t find it so
she burnt a roll of toilet paper
in a field of yellow flowers
& said that was good
enough. That night
I dreamt of yellow flowers,
drinking cough syrup
in a field of them, the stems oil
& blubber like
the flesh bags ripening
in her brain. I ate
the petals too, slurped
up the egg yolk
pollen, cause every
time I see my 奶奶’s
face it’s made of
the pixels & craters
on my computer
screen. You ever think
it’s kind of fucked
what gets disappeared
& recorded, you ever
take your 奶奶’s
medication to see
how it makes you
feel, you ever
freak out too.

Sometimes I freak out
& there is nothing
I can do. Baby
I want to be like
the grapefruit sun
bloodred in the sky. Or
the citrus in the cut
underneath my fingernail.
I am neither of those things
now because I am
a stupid girl. I was born
with two eyes, two ears,
& a daddy who gets
detained by the pigs every
time he crosses state
lines. They say
he looks like this
chink who disappeared
in 1997 but so do I.
Daddy. Daddy — I’m
sitting in a pool of
your failed adolescent
dreams. Daddy how come
you keep your dentures
behind a mirror with
my baby teeth. You
want to know what
language I dream in but
Daddy I don’t dream
of tongues only
mouths. I dream of
the day 奶奶 dies,
how I will bury her
in a field of yellow
flowers & no
mirrors —

In the intersubjective dream
journal I write about
a girl with no reflection. In the dark

Her black eye

SHE DIG thru the trash

Her dad says I MAKE
sacrifice for you

I LOVE you before you are born



last summer there was some hair in the tide

Sitting on a field of astroturf it’s too cold for July
You showed me

pics of pale girls in your secret folder to prove I’m
not your fetish

the spectacle of which has yet to be placated  In the
sanctity of projection

I come in pieces  Slant eye / kitchen knife / dry heave
I think most of

these relics when I am not aroused  Hair parted harshly
down the center like

red seas  It’s the lexicon of morphology How you are
you & I am the gap

I don’t say yes but too faded to notice some extra flesh
The mold of things

to come  You think I have a vestigial limb  A second
tongue stuck in the back

of my throat  Blossoming & kinda stubborn like god
I want to be less fake

but the blue moon shines thru my gaptooth  Do you
think Passivity

is a pretty name for a girl  There is some raw tofu spinning
in the microwave

Slippery like an oiled up whatever  Can you pay a karmic debt
when I suck on

your marrow  When I lay on your sheets  Sorry I have to
go home soon

just not now

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